Below is my repurposed essay which served as my story at Ada Cheng’s monthly Pour One Out (one among several of Ada’s storytelling events) on September 8.
In March, I wrote a personal essay, I Am a Brown Asian with Smooth Skin, in response to the March 17 Atlanta, Georgia killings of spa workers. My essay was subsequently published by Visible Magazine.
My essay is formatted to look like prose yet NOT intended as such.
This is my storytelling guide, where line breaks are short pauses and where ellipses are extended pauses.
I Am a Brown Asian with Smooth Skin
My story is about an event
that triggered my revisiting
and reminiscing
about former boyfriends of the past decades
and about how
I’ve gradually come to handle
Asian fetishism
I share my stories
to be in community
with others
. . . you - whom I’ve yet to meet
And to those who fetishize and harass women
. . . you - are not welcomed
1984, SPRING, Yellow Fever
During college, I learned about yellow fever
from my first white boyfriend
I was his first Filipino girlfriend
He’d rub my forearm as if polishing silver
. . . all the while repeating
in a clumsy, mocking Chinese accent
"AYshen gurl hahb belly, belly shmooj shkeen -
white gurl hahb belly, belly hruff shkeen
shmooj AYshen shkeen!"
Back then, I interpreted this as affection
Now - I know it was not
Friends thought he was a loner
. . . but not anymore
When we studied in the library,
he’d stroke my arm -
a public display of affection that we were a couple
Sometimes when he stopped stroking,
I’d extend my arm toward him, as an exchange of affection
In retrospect, I now see
I was unknowingly reinforcing
“smooth Asian skin
During moments of after-study foreplay,
he compared me to the white women he’d dated
how I was so cute and small
. . . and my boobs and nipples looked better
I chose to dismiss these
as simple observations and terms of endearment
When I visited his apartment,
his roommate would yell,
"Your Japanese girlfriend is here."
I dismissed it as ignorance
yet silently wondered if he was racist
Meanwhile, my boyfriend
did nothing to correct him
or defend me
Turns out, perhaps there was a sign
When we started dating, my boyfriend asked
“You look Chinese, but your last name is Mexican
Is Filipino Mexican-Chinese?”
I wanted to believe it was a joke,
so I chuckled and never answered
I learned he wasn’t kidding
. . . because he asked again
2021, MARCH 17, My memories were stirred . . . and I was triggered
I am a light-skinned,
57-year-old Filipino woman
with smooth skin
Back then at 21 years old
I had smooth skin
Some things don't change.
What else hasn’t changed?
Men fetishizing Asian women
. . .
March 17 was the murders
of Atlanta, Georgia spa workers
who were Asian women
Yellow Fever Exists
Robin Zheng, Assistant Professor
at Yale-NUS College in Singapore, wrote in 2016
“Why Yellow Fever Isn’t Flattering” -
"... what might be
the most visibly racialized sexual phenomenon of all:
racial fetish,
that is, a person’s exclusive
or near-exclusive preference
for sexual intimacy
with others belonging to a specific racial out-group.A paradigm example of racial fetish
is what is popularly known as ‘yellow fever’:
a preference for Asian women (and men)."
My opinion . . . of the extreme harm of a racial fetish?
Asian women being killed
. . .
On March 17, I changed
My community changed
Conversations were happening
That afternoon, a friend suggested I reply to a tweet
of a San Francisco Bay Area Filipina writer
who was curating
Asian American women’s
worst fetishization and harassment experiences
for her upcoming article
I scrolled anxiously through Asian women's tweets -
looking for shared experiences
and opportunities to commiserate -
while remembering what Zheng also shared -
“It is morally problematic, indeed unjust,
when some people suffer disproportionate harms or burdens
on the basis of their race
and when they are wrongly represented
in their sexual capacities.This is one way of understanding
some of the wrongs of sexism:
women suffer disproportionate sexual harms
— objectification, harassment, domestic violence, rape —
on account of their gender
and are wrongly represented as only valuable
in virtue of their sexual capacities, as desiring to be raped, etc.”
As I read Twitter replies
I was angered and saddened
by stories of unbelievably disgusting harassment
. . . and so many heart-breaking experiences
And yet at the same time,
I was in awe
of these women’s empowerment,
forthrightness, and vulnerability
My turn
I will be empowered, forthright, vulnerable
My stories
In 2008, I blogged about three white men I dated
I framed my experiences
in a snarky and light-hearted response
to a satirical list of “Stuff White People Like”
Number eleven on the list
. . . Asian Girls
A blog commenter shared with me -
“OMG...I can't even pick my favorite
of your White Boy memories
because ALL are funny and well written.
NICE recollections
and thanks for sharing this. LOVE!”
On that March 17th afternoon,
I re-read my 13-yr old blog post several times
. . .
WHAT D’FUCK?!
Rather than write
about the seriousness of my lived experiences,
I made light of Asian fetishism
How did I not see this?
WHY did I not know this?
. . .
It’s reckoning time
Up until March 17, 2021
I joked about a college boyfriend
who thirty-seven years ago
rubbed my smooth Asian skin
I’ve joked about a man,
who in 1990,
boldly cheated on three Asian women
who looked strikingly similar -
two Filipinas and a Korean woman
I was one of the Filipinas
And I have joked about a man
who fourteen years ago
audibly grunted during intimacy,
"Mmmm ... look at that Asian pussy."
. . .
I have been fetishized
No more jokes
It took 37 years,
. . . and I am now the wiser
- evolving, transforming
Asian women are not interchangeable
We are not to be objectified
I have power
We have power
. . .
And a reminder, to those
who fetishize and harass women
. . . you
. . . are not welcomed
Thank YOU for holding space
Many thanks to Ada Cheng (on Instagram) for creating the space to share my story and bringing storytelling to the forefront.
Many thanks to Founding Editor Stephanie Drenka (on Twitter), of Visible Magazine, who published my original essay.
Many thanks to Christine Bumatay (on Twitter) who sparked conversations, including my story, prompted by the Atlanta, Georgia killings.
Many thanks to my friend Joanne Rondilla (on Twitter) with whom we’ve shared our stories of yellow fever and with whom I continue to be amazed at her scholarly work (and a Page Six quote) about colorism.